Forgive Me Read online

  ‘Would you like me to come with you?’ Tod asked. ‘It might be a bit scary on your own.’

  ‘I couldn’t put you to all that trouble,’ she said.

  ‘I was thinking of it as more of an adventure,’ he smiled. ‘I’m used to pigsties, remember. We could take sleeping bags with us and doss there, or if it’s too vile we could book into a hotel.’

  Looking at the eagerness in his face made her heart turn a little somersault. He had nothing to gain by helping her. She hadn’t told him about the money she had, because she’d promised Mr Bailey she would keep it quiet. And he’d suddenly made her feel joyful rather than apprehensive.

  ‘That would be wonderful,’ she said. ‘If we go in my car I can take all the cleaning materials with me. I can tackle anything wearing a pair of rubber gloves.’

  ‘Then I’ll buy you a pair and you can clean my room,’ he laughed.

  They had their supper, and another cup of tea. She kept expecting Tod to say he had to go, but he didn’t. They put the TV on, and in one advert there was a weird-looking goth girl. Eva laughingly admitted she’d once gone for a similar look.

  He raised both eyebrows in disbelief. ‘I can’t imagine that, you always look so feminine and neat.’

  ‘Does that equal boring?’

  ‘Certainly not. What right-minded male would want a woman wearing biker boots, with matted hair and piercings all over her face?’

  ‘Men that look like that too, perhaps,’ she said. ‘I never really liked it, but the crowd I hung around with then were all into it and I just followed like a sheep. I’m glad I was too afraid of needles to have the piercings and tattoos. Also, I knew Mum would freak out.’

  ‘My mum despairs at the way I dress,’ he said. ‘I tried to tell her “grunge” is in now, but she sniffed and said I looked far better in a suit. As if I could wear a suit for the work I do! But I do have a suit and I don’t even mind dressing up for an appropriate occasion.’

  ‘Which would be?’

  He looked at her and smiled. ‘Taking you out somewhere special.’

  She blushed and looked down at her lap to hide her confusion.

  He turned to her on the sofa and lifted her chin up. ‘Am I wrong in thinking there’s something going on with us? I’m not that experienced with girls, but I get the feeling you like me.’

  ‘I do,’ she whispered. ‘I just –’ She broke off.

  ‘You just didn’t think I was interested in that way? Or you aren’t interested in that way?’

  ‘I didn’t think you were,’ she whispered.

  ‘Well, I am,’ he said and leaned closer and kissed her.

  It was the sweetest, gentlest kiss she’d ever known. The kind that said he cared about her, and wanted to take it slowly. But as the tip of his tongue flickered between her lips she felt a surge of wanting, and she relaxed into his embrace for more.

  The kissing went on and on, growing deeper and more passionate. And yet he didn’t try to get her clothes off, or suggest they went to bed.

  He moved away slightly, and she opened her eyes to find him looking down at her in a way she could only think of as loving.

  ‘Tomorrow I’ll put on my suit and we’ll go out for lunch,’ he said. ‘Just us, a real date, and we’ll take it from there.’

  Half of her wanted to pull him back close to her, yet the other half loved that he wanted to do things properly. ‘That would be lovely,’ she said, her voice choked up with wanting him.

  ‘I’ll think of somewhere nice and make a reservation,’ he said. ‘I’ll let you go to bed now and see you about twelve thirty tomorrow afternoon.’

  One last kiss and he was gone, leaving Eva wanting to dance and sing; she felt so happy.

  Sunday was warm and sunny, and they walked to the restaurant Tod had picked in Montpellier. He said he’d never been there before but had heard it was good.

  Eva wore a pink cotton dress she’d bought last summer; the colour really suited her, but she’d hardly worn it because she thought it made her look fat. But it didn’t now. In fact when she looked in the mirror she saw it was loose around her waist, because she’d lost weight.

  Tod looked completely different in his navy-blue suit, shirt and a tie. He’d even polished up a pair of black shoes. There was something deliciously wonderful about having such a handsome man holding her hand and talking to her as if she was the most important person in his life.

  The restaurant was good, busy but not frantically so, with plain wooden tables, lots of modern paintings on the walls, and young, friendly staff. They started on a bottle of white wine while they studied the menu.

  ‘I always find it so hard to choose,’ Eva said. ‘And when I have, then I always see someone else eating something I think I would’ve liked better.’

  ‘My dad is a food and wine snob,’ Tod confided. ‘I used to hate being dragged out for meals with him because he always wanted me to have things he thought I ought to try to widen my experience. All I really wanted was a chicken Kiev.’

  ‘I love those too,’ she admitted. ‘We never went out to restaurants much. Mum said it was too much of a pain with three kids. I expect it was too. Sophie didn’t want anything but egg and chips, and all Ben wanted was pizza. I was a pig, I’d eat anything.’

  ‘Living on my own I’ve learned to eat anything too. Dad was astounded when I ordered mussels one day. That put him in his place.’

  ‘Where do they live?’

  ‘In Yorkshire, near Harrogate. I hardly ever go home these days. It’s always question time. What am I going to do next? Wouldn’t it be better if I did this or that? On and on it goes. I just wish I’d had some brothers and sisters to share the load.’

  ‘So I shouldn’t ask what your plans for your career are then?’

  ‘I don’t mind you asking. I have enrolled on a counselling course for September, here in Cheltenham, and I can fit that in with work.’

  ‘I think you’ll make a brilliant counsellor,’ Eva said. ‘You are so easy to talk to.’

  The time flew by: a lovely meal, and yet another bottle of wine, and then Tod looked around them and saw they were alone, except for a waitress laying up tables for dinner that night.

  ‘Everyone’s gone! I can’t believe it. I didn’t notice everyone go!’

  Eva giggled. ‘Neither did I, but I think we’ve outstayed our welcome.’

  All the way down the road they laughed about the polite yet all too eager way the waitress had taken Tod’s credit card for the bill. ‘She couldn’t get us out of the door fast enough,’ Eva said. ‘Poor girl, she should’ve given us a hint earlier if she wanted to close up.’

  ‘Anyone would think we hadn’t got a home to go to,’ Tod said as he pulled her into his arms and kissed her on the street.

  They were both a little drunk, the sun was warm and they ambled home slowly, stopping to kiss every now and then. There were lots of people around, families out for a walk, people with dogs, children on bicycles, but they were so engrossed in one another they barely noticed.

  ‘I thought this street looked quite nasty when I first came here,’ Eva said as they reached Crail Road. ‘But it’s grown on me.’

  ‘I’m glad about that.’ Tod stopped walking, turned to face her and took her hands in his. ‘You looked so forlorn when you first arrived. But today you look happy and pretty.’

  ‘You’ve done that,’ she said. ‘Even if it doesn’t work out for us, I’ll keep how you’ve made me feel today inside me for ever.’

  As the words came out of her mouth she was afraid she’d sounded too intense. But his eyes were shining, and that lovely full mouth of his was waiting to come down on hers again.

  They had barely closed her room door behind them when they fell on each other. All hesitation was gone, their clothes came off and they tumbled on to the sofa, not even thinking to pull it out into a bed.

  The touch of his bare chest against her breasts was so good, she forgot that sunshine was streaming through the window
, that anyone out in the hall might hear them and even that she’d never been entirely naked with a man in broad daylight before.

  It was a roller coaster of sensual delight, and it was only when Tod gasped that he had to get a condom from his jacket that she was pulled up enough to remember that no other man she’d ever had sex with before had worried about contraception.

  She didn’t feel cheap this time. His touch was loving, he was murmuring lovely things to her, wanting to give her pleasure too. It was that which moved her. With other men she’d always sensed they didn’t care about her feelings.

  It was over too quickly, but she heard him say her name just as he came, and that was enough for her.

  But if the sex had been good, the way he kissed and cuddled her afterwards was even better. ‘You are so lovely, Eva. I told you on Friday night that you didn’t know how lovely you are, and I know you thought it was just the drink talking, but I meant it then and I do now. I didn’t think I’d ever feel like this about anyone.’

  She got up to make tea later, and put on his shirt; Tod pulled the bed out properly. Nothing had ever felt so good as getting into it with him beside her, leaning back on his bare chest as they drank the tea, and he talked about them going to London on the following Friday.

  They did it again later, and this time it was slower, and very loving. She began to cry when he made her come with his tongue. She’d never had an orgasm before, at least not with a partner.

  He asked her why she was crying.

  ‘Because that’s never happened before,’ she sobbed. She wished she could explain to him how he had made her feel special, that all the past hurts and humiliations that men had dumped on her were washed away now. But some things about her past were best left in the past.

  It was only when she got up to take a shower later that she remembered she’d meant to call Ben and thank him for the present. It had been a watch with a lovely blue strap.

  ‘I ought to phone Ben, he’ll be worried about me,’ she said, wrapping a towel around her. ‘But I’m afraid Andrew will answer it, and I really don’t want to go out to a phone box.’

  ‘Then don’t do it. Ben’s bound to ring you tomorrow when you’re at work,’ Todd said. ‘He knows you aren’t friendless now, so it can wait.’

  She looked at Tod lying there naked on the bed and saw affection and concern in his eyes, and her heart fluttered.

  He was right, she wasn’t friendless, and this felt like the start of something wonderful.

  Chapter Seven

  At last Eva knew what the expression ‘loved up’ meant.

  She went off to work on Monday morning in a delicious bubble of happiness and expectation. It was hard to keep her mind on driving or what she would be doing at work, because her insides kept doing little flips as she thought about Tod making love to her. It had been wonderful to be woken early this morning with him caressing her breasts, sleepy kisses that soon grew into fiery ones as his fingers slid into her.

  An orgasm exploded inside her even before he entered her; she’d never imagined she could feel such utter rapture or feel so greedy for more.

  But it was his tenderness that made her want to cry with joy, his sweet smile when she said how wonderful it was, and the way he folded her in his arms as if he never wanted to let her go. He had made her tea and toast while she was taking a shower, and then promised he was going to make some dinner for them that evening.

  Nothing could burst the bubble, not even the first irate customer who rang in that morning, complaining bitterly that she’d been sent the wrong size dress and so had nothing to wear to an important function at the weekend. Eva sailed through it, oozing so much charm that the woman ordered a second dress. By mid-afternoon, when she’d sorted at least a dozen other problems, Olive buzzed her to come into her office.

  ‘You seem remarkably happy today,’ she said with a smile. ‘I suspect a new man!’

  Eva’s smile was as wide as a slice of watermelon. ‘You suspect right, he lives in the same house as me. I had the most marvellous birthday weekend.’

  ‘Then I’m very glad for you,’ Olive said. ‘You deserve some happiness and I hope it works out for both of you.’

  It was very tempting to tell Olive much more about Tod – she wanted to shout it to the whole world – but she controlled the urge and thanked Olive, then went on to tell her she’d have the keys to the studio in London by the weekend. ‘Everything seems to be coming up roses for me now.’

  Olive looked at Eva’s glowing face and hadn’t the heart to offer any warnings that she should take this new romance slowly.

  ‘Enjoy,’ she said.

  That evening Tod made a curry for them, and later they drove out to the country for a walk until it grew dark, then back home for more lovemaking.

  It was a little disappointing to get a phone call from Mr Bailey later in the week to say that there had been a slight hold-up and it would be another week before she got the keys, but Eva was too happy to care about such incidentals. Tod wanted to be with her every evening, and he had plans for them for the weekend too.

  Ben came round on Tuesday. It was only a quick visit, and he was driving Flora’s red Polo which he said his father had given him in a rare moment of generosity.

  ‘He was only trying to creep around me because I was angry about the way he was with you. But even the car won’t change my plans, I’m going to move to Leeds as soon as I’ve sat my A levels. I can’t stand it at home any longer,’ he said fiercely.

  ‘Is that wise?’ Eva asked. ‘Don’t do anything rash. You might regret it later.’

  ‘You don’t know what it’s like at home,’ he said plaintively. ‘Dad’s definitely got another woman, he goes out every night. The house is a mess, Rose left a note to say unless we keep it tidier she’ll have to leave. Sophie is taking full advantage, stopping out late, and sometimes she doesn’t come home at all.’

  Eva could take no pleasure in being proved right in her belief that everything would fall apart when she left. It made her sad that Ben was worried. ‘I really don’t think it’s a good idea to go to Leeds now,’ she said. ‘I know you want to go to the university there. But what if you don’t get accepted?’

  ‘There’s no reason why I shouldn’t if my grades are good enough. And I’ll make sure they are, Eva. I really want to be there. Besides, I’ve got a couple of mates in Leeds already. I can get a summer job. Sharing a flat with a bunch of other people has got to be better than the way it is at home now.’

  She agreed with him on that point but said he must try to leave on good terms with his father. ‘Just because I fell out with him doesn’t mean you should too. I just hope he pulls himself together enough to see what Sophie’s getting up to. Does he ever say anything about me?’

  ‘He’s too busy with whoever he’s shagging to think of anyone else,’ Ben said bitterly. ‘When he is home he’s just irritable with us. On Sunday Sophie put a red top in the washing machine with all his shirts. They came out pink. He went ape with her, and when I tried to stick up for her he went to punch me. He keeps banging on about Mum’s will too. I’ve already told him that if he wants to sell the house Sophie and I will agree to it. But he can’t sell it even with our agreement. Not until Sophie is eighteen.’

  Eva thought it was so wrong that he was taking it out on Sophie and Ben. They had enough to contend with at the loss of their mother. ‘He was used to having all the power when Mum was alive,’ she said thoughtfully. ‘Now he’s trying to wield it over you two.’

  ‘I think you might be right there,’ Ben said glumly. ‘He used to have everything his way. He decided everything – from where we went on holiday, to who got invited round for dinner. I can’t remember Mum ever going against him. She was always there, gardening, cooking, making sure everyone had whatever they needed. She didn’t really have a life of her own, did she?’

  ‘No, not looking back on it, Ben. She wasn’t always like that, though. Her old friends I talked to at the funera
l said she was a madcap party person, some of them even hinted at her being selfish too. It had to have been some kind of mental illness – not bad enough for the funny farm, but enough to knock her off-centre. Maybe she just found it easier to do what Andrew said?’

  ‘He can wear you down,’ Ben agreed. ‘I find myself doing what he says, just for a quiet life. Mum was different when he was away on business, wasn’t she? Remember how she put the tent up in the garden that hot summer of 1986 and we all slept out there?’

  Eva laughed, suddenly remembering how much fun that had been. Flora had put night lights in jam jars all around the garden, filled up the big paddling pool to pretend it was a lake, and they’d had a moonlight barbecue, before all snuggling up to one another in the tent for ghost stories.

  ‘Andrew would’ve gone ape if he’d known about that,’ she said. ‘She took us all to Weston-super-Mare too, we went paddling after it was dark. Remember, we all had to hold hands and jump over the waves? We didn’t get home until about three in the morning, you and Sophie were spark out in the back of the car.’

  ‘She made us promise we wouldn’t tell Dad too,’ Ben said thoughtfully. ‘I never thought that was odd, because she said everyone has to have secret good times. Do you think she had any secret good times without us?’

  ‘You mean like an affair?’ Eva asked.

  Ben nodded.

  ‘If she did, I never got even an inkling of it,’ Eva said. ‘I suppose she could’ve met someone during the day. Maybe she wanted to be with him, but she knew Andrew would never let her take us with her?’

  ‘Do you think that was why she did it? Love gone wrong and all that?’

  He looked so forlorn that Eva put her arms around him and hugged him tightly. ‘I don’t know, Ben, but I really don’t think so. But one thing I do know for certain was that she was very proud of how clever you are, as I am too. Don’t go against her wishes and make the house over to your dad, whatever he says. Stall him, anything but that. And make sure you get good grades in your exams, and try to stop Sophie going off the rails.’